Insomnia – lying there at night, when it is dark and quiet
but you just can’t get to sleep. You
glance at the clock and notice the hours as they slip by without being able to
get to sleep. Trying to shut off your
mind, but the thoughts just keep coursing through your brain. Getting up in the morning, tired and just
wishing that you could get some sleep… I
like the word “agrypnia” better than “insomnia”; “chasing sleep” seems so much more
appropriate than “sleeplessness”.
I have had lifelong agrypnia. My first memory of agrypnia was when I was a preschooler. I remember being glad when I learned to tell
time in first grade specifically
because of my agrypnia. We had a mantle
clock that chimed the hours and half hours, and somehow, it was comforting to
know what time it was. My agrypnia only
got worse as I grew older, instead of being awake for hours at night, I began
to be awake for the entire night.
I finally started doing some research about how to prevent insomnia
in the 1980’s. I followed all the
recommendations: establish a routine, and go to bed and get up at the same time
every day; don’t take naps; eat before you go to sleep (but don’t have a heavy
meal); exercise before bedtime (but don’t exercise too much); avoid stimulants,
such as nicotine and caffeine; avoid alcohol (wait, is that a depressant or a
stimulant – oh, no, it is both!); only use your bed for sleep or sex – no TV,
no reading of books (wait… read books but not anything stimulating); and most
importantly – avoid stress and don’t worry! Right…
For years, I followed this advice. Do you know how hard it is not to take a nap
if you haven’t slept much the night before?
And to this day, I don’t drink caffeine after my morning coffee; in
fact, I avoid any soft drinks with caffeine.
After a while, it really annoyed me when I realized that it was all “Do
this”, “Don’t do that”! Experts were
saying that it was my fault that I couldn’t sleep – my thoughts, my actions, my
choices were preventing me from sleeping!
After years of trying to follow all the advice, I began to
think “How dare you? What makes you the
expert? Unless you have insomnia
yourself, you have no reason to say anything!”
I even read an article that said insomnia was a learned behavior, and
when I couldn’t sleep I was supposed to get up and do something I really hated,
like washing the kitchen floor. This was
supposed to condition me to decide to
sleep because the consequences were unpleasant.
Like being so tired but lying as hour after hour passed wasn’t
unpleasant enough! Like struggling
though a day at work wasn’t difficult enough!
I decided that if the “expert” hadn’t lain awake for hours
and hours at night, wondering why sleep was so elusive, I wouldn’t listen to
them!!! If the “expert” hadn’t
personally experienced their own agrypnia, and not just an occasional sleepless
night, then their advice was practically meaningless. Trying to sleep is difficult enough without
wondering what I have done to cause my sleeplessness. That
doesn’t turn off my brain at all.
Sigh….
I am really tired but I can’t go to sleep tonight. Again!
You know what is the worst? I googled insomnia remedies again this evening, and they haven't changed since the 1980's! The same useless advice. Oh, well.
