Agrypnia

Insomnia – lying there at night, when it is dark and quiet but you just can’t get to sleep.  You glance at the clock and notice the hours as they slip by without being able to get to sleep.  Trying to shut off your mind, but the thoughts just keep coursing through your brain.  Getting up in the morning, tired and just wishing that you could get some sleep…  I like the word “agrypnia” better than “insomnia”; “chasing sleep” seems so much more appropriate than “sleeplessness”.

I have had lifelong agrypnia.  My first memory of agrypnia was when I was a preschooler.  I remember being glad when I learned to tell time in first grade specifically because of my agrypnia.  We had a mantle clock that chimed the hours and half hours, and somehow, it was comforting to know what time it was.  My agrypnia only got worse as I grew older, instead of being awake for hours at night, I began to be awake for the entire night.

I finally started doing some research about how to prevent insomnia in the 1980’s.  I followed all the recommendations: establish a routine, and go to bed and get up at the same time every day; don’t take naps; eat before you go to sleep (but don’t have a heavy meal); exercise before bedtime (but don’t exercise too much); avoid stimulants, such as nicotine and caffeine; avoid alcohol (wait, is that a depressant or a stimulant – oh, no, it is both!); only use your bed for sleep or sex – no TV, no reading of books (wait… read books but not anything stimulating); and most importantly – avoid stress and don’t worry!  Right…

For years, I followed this advice.  Do you know how hard it is not to take a nap if you haven’t slept much the night before?  And to this day, I don’t drink caffeine after my morning coffee; in fact, I avoid any soft drinks with caffeine.  After a while, it really annoyed me when I realized that it was all “Do this”, “Don’t do that”!  Experts were saying that it was my fault that I couldn’t sleep – my thoughts, my actions, my choices were preventing me from sleeping!

After years of trying to follow all the advice, I began to think “How dare you?  What makes you the expert?  Unless you have insomnia yourself, you have no reason to say anything!”  I even read an article that said insomnia was a learned behavior, and when I couldn’t sleep I was supposed to get up and do something I really hated, like washing the kitchen floor.  This was supposed to condition me to decide to sleep because the consequences were unpleasant.  Like being so tired but lying as hour after hour passed wasn’t unpleasant enough!  Like struggling though a day at work wasn’t difficult enough!

I decided that if the “expert” hadn’t lain awake for hours and hours at night, wondering why sleep was so elusive, I wouldn’t listen to them!!!  If the “expert” hadn’t personally experienced their own agrypnia, and not just an occasional sleepless night, then their advice was practically meaningless.  Trying to sleep is difficult enough without wondering what I have done to cause my sleeplessness.  That doesn’t turn off my brain at all.

Sigh…. I am really tired but I can’t go to sleep tonight.  Again!

You know what is the worst?  I googled insomnia remedies again this evening, and they haven't changed since the 1980's!  The same useless advice.  Oh, well.

Night Owl

I have chronic insomnia.  I have had chronic insomnia for as long as I can remember, and it has always been difficult.  I seldom get a regular night's sleep.

I remember being glad to learn how to tell time in first grade.  We had this mantle clock that chimed the hours - at noon it chimed twelve times, at 1:00 it chimed once, at 2:00 it chimed twice, and so on.  When I was awake during the night, I knew what time it was by the chiming of the clock.  But I dreaded the time between 12:30am and 1:30am.  That was because the clock only chimed once for the half hours.  So if it chimed once, I wasn't sure what time it was.  It could be half past the hour or 1:00am.  And if it chimed once two times in a row, I still wasn't sure what time it was.  It could be 1:00am or 1:30am.  But if it chimed once three times in a row, I finally knew what time it was!  It was 1:30 in the morning!  And that was in the first grade!  Now, how many of you know 6 year olds that are awake for hours in the middle of the night?

Having insomnia has wrecked havoc with both school and work, but I have learned to get by with little sleep.  However, as I have gotten older, I sometimes I wonder if it is really insomnia or if I am just a Night Owl.  No matter how tired I am, if I remain awake until 10:00pm then I am remain awake for hours.  It is as if a switch is flipped at 10:00pm and, suddenly, I come alive.  If there is no social requirements for me to get up at a certain time, I naturally fall asleep around 2:00 or 3:00 o'clock in the morning and awaken sometime around 9:00 or 10:00 o'clock in the morning.

So, I decided that tonight's Google search should be the Night Owl.

First of all, Wikipedia is not very informative.  It just defines night owls as people  who stay up until late at night and morning larks as people who get up early.  Next, there were some businesses that had late night hours: bars and lounges and, for some reason, hookah places.  I was surprised by the next listing - sales of night vision goggles.  The first page on Google ended with several blogs ranging in topics from baseball cards to hair products.  Now, I don't know how any oft that is related to being a night owl, but the next few pages were even more baffling.  There were blogs about home decor, a Christian pastor, fishing lures and pediatric urgent care.  Not what I expected when I googled "night owl".

Agrypnotic

When I was little (ages and ages ago!), I loved books and I could hardly wait to learn how to read.  That way I didn't have to rely on anyone else in order to tell me a story.  As soon as I learned how to read, I quickly went through as many books as I could and just as quickly got bored with the little kid books.  I wanted to read Fairy Tales!  I wanted to read about Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Goldilocks and the like.  I encountered so many words that I didn't know and so I was delighted when I learned how to use a dictionary.  As I worked my way through the school library, the dictionary was always next to me.

Soon I graduated to more advanced books and my favorite stories were written in the 1800's, books like Little Women, Alice in Wonderland, Beautiful Joe and The Secret Garden.  I ended up with a more archaic vocabulary than most little girls.  Some words I loved to use just because other people didn't use them.  Starting about 5th grade, I used 'twas and 'tis as often as I could fit them into conversation.  And I just liked the sound of other words, words like betwixt and frippery!

That habit has a tendency to raise it head to this day.  I wrote a poem the other day, well, I guess I should say the other night.  I can suffer from horrible insomnia.  I just can't shut my mind off, and words will go round and round making sleep impossible.  Sometimes, I can turn my mind off and get some sleep by "using" the words in a poem.  I titled the poem "Agrypnotic", I thought, appropriately, as it means wakefulness or sleeplessness.  It is Greek for chasing sleep.  I like that word, I like the sound of it.  Agrypnotic.  Agrypnia.  A lovely word.  I like it much better than insomnia; chasing sleep is so much more descriptive than insomnia!

But I found out that the word was rather archaic.  People reading my poem had to look the word up in the dictionary.  So I decided what a wonderful word to Google!

Agrypnia also means vigil: keeping watch, a nocturnal exercise before a feast or festival.  Agrypnotic is also used for items that prevent sleep such as strong coffee.  There is a neuropscychiatric syndrome called agrypnia excitata that is a life-threatening form of insomnia.  There is a musical group called Agrypnia.  As far as I can tell, they play classical music and I found a lovely piece by Bach on a six-string electronic bass (BWV639).  And the last thing I am going to mention is a Greek movie about a corrupt cop, originally called Agrypnia but renamed The Wake.

Oh, this was fun!  Hmm, I wonder if I should post the poem that inspired this blog?